PURRLINGTON6:04 A.M.
Jury of one household deliberated for zero seconds; defendant maintains she was 'nowhere near the counter.'
A gray tabby known to residents as Mittens was found guilty early Thursday on all counts of knocking a full glass of water off the kitchen counter, an act she carried out slowly, deliberately, and while making direct eye contact with three separate witnesses.
The Morning Edition
RAVENSWHISK3:02 A.M.
A sealed bin, a latched lid, and a bungee cord were all defeated by a suspect with, investigators stress, no thumbs.
SNOUTWOOD1:26 P.M.
The vacuum, which was off, switched off, and had been off for two days, was described by the dog as 'still a threat.'
QUACKENBUSH7:58 A.M.
Commuters report the goose 'has not asked for anything' and yet somehow controls all four rows of spaces.
SCRATCHMONT11:52 A.M.
Defendant declared the empty box 'sovereign territory' within ninety seconds of delivery, sources say.
HOUNDSTOOTH5:33 P.M.
Only evidence recovered at the scene was a single grease spot and an expression of profound innocence.
GERBILTON6:40 A.M.
Suspect returned to the cage voluntarily by morning, offering no explanation and, officials say, 'looking pleased.'
FETCHBURG3:48 P.M.
Elaborate concealment operation completed in full view of the household; suspect began searching for the biscuit four minutes later.
WHISKER FALLS7:41 P.M.
Vertical launch reached an estimated four feet; cucumber offered no response and had, at no point, moved.
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